Carnal Counsel

It's been a while...

2008-10-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

This economy has put love on hold! Or at least in my lazy, distracted mind. Anyway, I plan to re-ignite this pet project now that I'm stuck indoors and involved in my own love catastrophes.

Maybe I'll write love questions that have to secretly do with my own love life.

Would you love to solve my problems instead?

Anyway, join me in "bloglovin"

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To Pull Out or not to Pull Out

2008-01-03T13:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,
My very new boyfriend and I were getting ready to do the deed
this morning, and I pulled him out and I was like yo put
a prophylactic on. So he goes over to the the stash drawer and he's fresh
out... so I'm like just pull out its fine, and I ask if he's been tested
recently. He told me he has (blood only though, so in theory he could have the 'mydia). And then he says "You need to go on birth control."
Like it's really easy... so that he can fuck without a rubber. And like
I'm worried about pregnancy. I already know that it'll be hard for me to
get preggers. And if I do, I have options if you know what I mean. I
just don't want diseases, that's why I care about rubbers. Like, until he
gets tested while we're together and real way (swab up the dick) then we'll be using rubbers. Should I be pissed? I mean, his intentions were
good--but the implications were all wrong.

As soon as a boy thinks he can get away with riding bareback, he'll push until he can. This is a generalization. I have met very careful men in my past. But what has been consistent is the responsibility of pregnancy to be placed on the woman. This assumption in turn creates a conflict between the couple in question. The female is once again assumes guilt for not effectively being prepared for sex.

Lets return to the mantra of a the virgin/slut titling. Traditionally men carry condoms rather than women. There was a stigma behind a woman having their own condom collection for gentleman suitors. Luckily, this stigma is slowly changing. Many women know it is smarter to be safe and prepared versus being labelled. Unfortunately, this has also shifted responsibility. Not unfortunate for either gender, just unfortunate in the name of "safe sex." Remember the b0b0 cartoon "Family Circus?" If you ever suffered through the comic you'll recall there was a "ghost" character called Not Me. Not Me was who took the blame when one of those dastardly devils broke something and didn't want the blame. The condom struggle becomes a case of the "Not Me."

So, we have two people who for better and for worse, are having committed sexual relations with each other. Each person expects the other to exercise responsibility in the relationship in order to fully trust each time they go down. Rather than make it a me vs. you or an expectation of you vs. another make it a couple decision. Both partners should get tested together. Its less of an accusation of guilt and rather an affirmation of your dedication to the relationship. If it is expected of you to get birth control, ask for your partner to contribute to the cost.

If they refuse or complain, remind them each time they could be purchasing a new package of condoms. Or not getting any at all.

In fact, ignore all the advice I said before. There's always the option to refuse sex. That method can easily get your partner to wisen up. That way you can keep from being pissed and just be spiteful instead.

Oh--and stop depending on pulling out if you don't want diseases. Duh.

What's Love Got to do with it

2007-11-13T12:15:00.000-08:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,

This is a conflict between myself (a male) and a group of females. I wanted clarification on what you believe is the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. The girls I was with told me that men fall "in love" and "out of love" very quickly. They were accusing men of having issues with love and being in love. What is it then? What should "love" be?

Ok, lets all agree that finding people you love is the most important part of human interaction.

What I find is commonly people fall "in love" without accurately loving someone. This concept is difficult to pin down but lets break it down like this:

When you love someone, like your family or your closest friends, you know them inside and out. You do not ask them to change or have outrageous guidelines for them. If you do find yourself frustrated with their behavior, because you love them, you express "hey, you're not fulfilling your end of the bargain." This is how love works. You do not paint a facade or ignore obvious pitfalls these people have. You acknowledge them and love these pitfalls.

Unfortunately, most people enter relationships without this established. When they begin dating, there as major facades involved. The desire to be dating and in a relationship supercedes the acknowledgement of character. What eventually occurs is someone becoming frustrated. this person doesn't know what to give you and how. You don't express what really bothers you. Rather, you passive aggressively or plain aggressively attempt to get them to know what you want.

When the 'in love' sensation has begin to fade (which has been shown, in scientific tests about the chemicals released during your 'in love period,' to cease after five years) you begin to recognize you never loved this person in the first place.

When dating, date your datee as a friend. You can combine the passion and other fun stuff that is found in the "in love" sensation but recognize this is the time for you to become their friend, rather than their lover. To be someone's lover is much easier than to be their friend.

And if you find yourself clanking at times about what kind of friend this person is, or if you disagree with behavior or a variety of other things, analyze the friendship rather than the relationship. Are you treating them similiarly to your best friend? Are you alerting them of the actual problem rather than a false problem?

Men and women have struggle in the same ways when it comes to love/in love. They just deal with it separately.

ex emerges

2007-10-15T10:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I'm in a committed loving relationship with a great guy. We live together and recently my brother passed away. He's been key in my dealing with the death. The other day I recieved a call from my ex. He heard about my brother and wanted to get together. Now I can't the phone call out of my head. I don't know what to tell my boyfriend and if I should even meet up with this guy?

What a difficult situation. It sounds like the ex reminds you of times when your brother was alive. You and your ex can compare stories and remember all the awesome things your brother did. Unfortunately, this emotional overload is paired with the load of emotion of an ex-lover.

Your boyfriend seems to be a stable and understanding guy. He has helped you and will continue to help you through the death of your brother. I think what you need to do is explain the entire situation to your boyfriend. Explain that you're not interested in him but in what he represents:the ability to remember some more times with your brother. Make sure he knows exactly what you're going through so he can also be there with you.

Maybe he can help by joining you in the visit with this ex. Maybe he can offer a good perspective on how to deal with the situation. If for some reason he can't understand why you feel drawn to see this ex, you may need to consider the relationship and its importance to you. It is not up to your boyfriend as to how you grieve.

No matter what, respect all involved. And respect yourself too. Listen to what you feel and think. This will be what leads to emotional growth.

Myth of Female Orgasm

2007-09-24T11:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I've recently starting this guy and have begun consummating our relationship. My orgasm is a little shy and is regularly faked. I was "with" the new guy and really enjoying the sex but still felt obligated to fake an orgasm. After I faked we continued to play and shortly afterwards I came for real. And then again. So now he either thinks I came three times or faked them all. How do I approach my suspicious orgasm? Whats the typical orgasm limit for women during sex?

Its possible he knew you faked your O. Or assumes you faked it all three times. Quite honestly, who cares? The most important part of the sexual experience is that you're both enjoying yourselves and that your satisfied. Your sexual satisfaction does not mean you orgasm (likewise, neither does he).

Ever since the the world discovered the female orgasm existed thus began the intense battle to discover it. This adds a multitude of stress and unnecessary pressure for both participants. It gets to a point during the sexual experience that the female just is trying to get it over with. This race to an end isn't a comfortable experience for anyone.

Whenever I'm with someone who mentions his ability to make a woman come or how important it is for the lady to orgasm during sex I know I'm going to be frustrated with the experience. Its this bizarre complex men get where they feel they're not sexually regular if they can't get the woman to come. And the woman feels she's not sexually regular if she's can't.

There are many camps of people in this argument. There are women who believe the o-fakers are making it worse for other women because they're giving men unrealistic egos. There are the people who believe they should just fake it to get the sexual expeirence over with. And theres the ever popular joke "So, your wife can't orgasm? Whats the problem!?"

I haven't faked orgasms in a while. This doesn't mean I tell my partner whether I "have or not." Nothing ruins a sexual experience more than some inexperietti asking "did you or didn't you?" Obviously, your concern with my orgasm isn't as important as you pretend.

My conclusion to this battle is to just have fun with sex while the time is right. Both people need to be comfortable with each other for the sexual experience to reach its optimal performance. If you feel as though you're not going to be able to reach that climax, don't worry about it too much. This is something you can work on with yourself or slowly with your partner. If you're with someone you trust go ahead and talk it out with them.

Men and Women--its extended metaphor time! Sex is a meal. It begins with an appetizer to get your mouth (and extremeties) wet. Following is the main course. The meat of the meal. Even vegetarian's can't deny a little sexmeat. Finally, the climax, the desert. That beautiful creme brulee that you can't believe you're eating. You have to fit in that dress in a month! Its the best part of the meal but its definitely not the most important part. It tastes so good but you couldn't do anything with just creme brulee in your stomach.

Call Tyrone?

2007-09-21T13:04:00.000-07:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I went on a date with a guy I really dug. We really got along and agreed on the things that are important to us in relationships-especially honesty. He ended buying quite a few drinks so the night ended with sloppy sesh. We didn't go "all the way" but it was definitely in the plans. We parted this morning and I haven't heard from him since. Should I acredit this to another "hottie hookup" with a smooth talker? He agreed in my belief in the utmost honesty--should I call him?

How awesome is it you found someone that fits you intellectually and sexually? He sounds like a hottie.

We've all been there. Drink a little too much and move too quickly with the boy you wanted to take "slowly." Its unfortunate. Perhaps we should all adopt the philosophy that you only put out quickly with a boy you're not really interested in. That way, you get all of the bullshit out of the way. If its a problem, claim it went "too fast."

Getting drunk and moving too quickly doesn't mean you're slutty. It means you're wild and carefree. Boys love that. I think. Either way, play it cool.

I would give it the industry standard and wait a few days. No need to put the pressure on either one of you. It sounds like you're falling hard. He's probably falling hard too. No matter what he's feeling, he's trying to play it cool too.

Just wait a few (days, minutes, hours, whatever) and contact him--if he doesn't contact you first. Be casual and just ask "wanna hang out?" Keep it light.

Or just lurk him out on myspace and make a non-threatening friend request in a day or so.

He wanted to date you, he'll be reasonable with your request. If he's lame enough to use you only for that evening, at least you've learned he wasn't worth your time in less than week.

This all being said, if you're getting the itch and you really believe you're being dishonest by ceasing contact --go with your gut. What could go wrong?
Good luck!

Porno Perv

2007-09-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Carnal Counsel,
My serious boyfriend and I have a healthy and understanding relationship. He's been tolerant with my decision to abstain from sex in our relationship. I do have one concern. He tends to look at porn. I am not comfortable with this decision. Should I tell him to stop looking at porn or ignore his visual candy?

I want you to imagine you're driving past a messy car accident. Everyone slows down to see who is in the crash, how many people were affected, what was hit, and if there is any blood. You know that you shouldn't violate these people in such a tragedy but you must satisfy your interest.

Now consider a time when you saw a couple making out at a park. You start staring because you're slightly aroused and intrigued by their garish display of affection. You realize your friends are slowly noticing your wandering eye so you obnoxiously yell "get a room!" in order to cease their action.

This is the desire to see things we aren't normally allowed or present to see. You never have the opportunity to witness the sex act. This is what makes porn most appealling.

Erase everything anyone has negatively said about porn. This includes the feminist movement, sex therapists, holy rolers, and your parents (although I'm sure everything they have said has merit). The majority of males are absolutely fascinated and motivated by pornography. This does not, i repeat, does not degrade any feelings or love your mate has for you. In fact, this is not reserved to the male population. My straight female friend has been privy to leave her copy of "Big Booty Bitches 4" in the vcr. I learned to give a good blow job from porn.

We recognize that porn does establish unrealistic expectations and gender roles. But feeling sexually sated does not necessary mean you're creating a sexual fantasy life. You should be happy that your mate is getting new ideas to eventually practice with you. Porn can add spice to your sex life!

Separately, you're choosing to stay abstinent. Thats a perfectly healthy and mature decision to make. And your man is choosing to stay with you through this decision. Thats awesome! Recognize that everytime you're bumping and grinding on his wang during a hardcore makeout sesh his body is receiving checks you're not comfortable cashing. Its out of respect to you that he's choosing to jerk is gherk to a girl with a bad dyejob (and a good blowjob). This distraction allows him to release whatever tension has grown (quite literally) rather than seek disrespectful alternatives.

Possibly you're a little jealous he's getting his. Maybe you might want to turn up the volume on a ladie's choice porn and get to clicking.

Either way, if the porn issue is coming between you and your comfort with your mate, let them know. Let him know exactly what makes you uncomfortable about his decision and he can let you know how unimportant porn is to him. Don't make him feel shame for satisfying a primal need. He's just doing it for you.

-Carnal Counsel