What's Love Got to do with it

Dear Carnal Counsel,

This is a conflict between myself (a male) and a group of females. I wanted clarification on what you believe is the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. The girls I was with told me that men fall "in love" and "out of love" very quickly. They were accusing men of having issues with love and being in love. What is it then? What should "love" be?

Ok, lets all agree that finding people you love is the most important part of human interaction.

What I find is commonly people fall "in love" without accurately loving someone. This concept is difficult to pin down but lets break it down like this:

When you love someone, like your family or your closest friends, you know them inside and out. You do not ask them to change or have outrageous guidelines for them. If you do find yourself frustrated with their behavior, because you love them, you express "hey, you're not fulfilling your end of the bargain." This is how love works. You do not paint a facade or ignore obvious pitfalls these people have. You acknowledge them and love these pitfalls.

Unfortunately, most people enter relationships without this established. When they begin dating, there as major facades involved. The desire to be dating and in a relationship supercedes the acknowledgement of character. What eventually occurs is someone becoming frustrated. this person doesn't know what to give you and how. You don't express what really bothers you. Rather, you passive aggressively or plain aggressively attempt to get them to know what you want.

When the 'in love' sensation has begin to fade (which has been shown, in scientific tests about the chemicals released during your 'in love period,' to cease after five years) you begin to recognize you never loved this person in the first place.

When dating, date your datee as a friend. You can combine the passion and other fun stuff that is found in the "in love" sensation but recognize this is the time for you to become their friend, rather than their lover. To be someone's lover is much easier than to be their friend.

And if you find yourself clanking at times about what kind of friend this person is, or if you disagree with behavior or a variety of other things, analyze the friendship rather than the relationship. Are you treating them similiarly to your best friend? Are you alerting them of the actual problem rather than a false problem?

Men and women have struggle in the same ways when it comes to love/in love. They just deal with it separately.

ex emerges

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I'm in a committed loving relationship with a great guy. We live together and recently my brother passed away. He's been key in my dealing with the death. The other day I recieved a call from my ex. He heard about my brother and wanted to get together. Now I can't the phone call out of my head. I don't know what to tell my boyfriend and if I should even meet up with this guy?

What a difficult situation. It sounds like the ex reminds you of times when your brother was alive. You and your ex can compare stories and remember all the awesome things your brother did. Unfortunately, this emotional overload is paired with the load of emotion of an ex-lover.

Your boyfriend seems to be a stable and understanding guy. He has helped you and will continue to help you through the death of your brother. I think what you need to do is explain the entire situation to your boyfriend. Explain that you're not interested in him but in what he represents:the ability to remember some more times with your brother. Make sure he knows exactly what you're going through so he can also be there with you.

Maybe he can help by joining you in the visit with this ex. Maybe he can offer a good perspective on how to deal with the situation. If for some reason he can't understand why you feel drawn to see this ex, you may need to consider the relationship and its importance to you. It is not up to your boyfriend as to how you grieve.

No matter what, respect all involved. And respect yourself too. Listen to what you feel and think. This will be what leads to emotional growth.

Myth of Female Orgasm

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I've recently starting this guy and have begun consummating our relationship. My orgasm is a little shy and is regularly faked. I was "with" the new guy and really enjoying the sex but still felt obligated to fake an orgasm. After I faked we continued to play and shortly afterwards I came for real. And then again. So now he either thinks I came three times or faked them all. How do I approach my suspicious orgasm? Whats the typical orgasm limit for women during sex?

Its possible he knew you faked your O. Or assumes you faked it all three times. Quite honestly, who cares? The most important part of the sexual experience is that you're both enjoying yourselves and that your satisfied. Your sexual satisfaction does not mean you orgasm (likewise, neither does he).

Ever since the the world discovered the female orgasm existed thus began the intense battle to discover it. This adds a multitude of stress and unnecessary pressure for both participants. It gets to a point during the sexual experience that the female just is trying to get it over with. This race to an end isn't a comfortable experience for anyone.

Whenever I'm with someone who mentions his ability to make a woman come or how important it is for the lady to orgasm during sex I know I'm going to be frustrated with the experience. Its this bizarre complex men get where they feel they're not sexually regular if they can't get the woman to come. And the woman feels she's not sexually regular if she's can't.

There are many camps of people in this argument. There are women who believe the o-fakers are making it worse for other women because they're giving men unrealistic egos. There are the people who believe they should just fake it to get the sexual expeirence over with. And theres the ever popular joke "So, your wife can't orgasm? Whats the problem!?"

I haven't faked orgasms in a while. This doesn't mean I tell my partner whether I "have or not." Nothing ruins a sexual experience more than some inexperietti asking "did you or didn't you?" Obviously, your concern with my orgasm isn't as important as you pretend.

My conclusion to this battle is to just have fun with sex while the time is right. Both people need to be comfortable with each other for the sexual experience to reach its optimal performance. If you feel as though you're not going to be able to reach that climax, don't worry about it too much. This is something you can work on with yourself or slowly with your partner. If you're with someone you trust go ahead and talk it out with them.

Men and Women--its extended metaphor time! Sex is a meal. It begins with an appetizer to get your mouth (and extremeties) wet. Following is the main course. The meat of the meal. Even vegetarian's can't deny a little sexmeat. Finally, the climax, the desert. That beautiful creme brulee that you can't believe you're eating. You have to fit in that dress in a month! Its the best part of the meal but its definitely not the most important part. It tastes so good but you couldn't do anything with just creme brulee in your stomach.

Call Tyrone?

Dear Carnal Counsel,
I went on a date with a guy I really dug. We really got along and agreed on the things that are important to us in relationships-especially honesty. He ended buying quite a few drinks so the night ended with sloppy sesh. We didn't go "all the way" but it was definitely in the plans. We parted this morning and I haven't heard from him since. Should I acredit this to another "hottie hookup" with a smooth talker? He agreed in my belief in the utmost honesty--should I call him?

How awesome is it you found someone that fits you intellectually and sexually? He sounds like a hottie.

We've all been there. Drink a little too much and move too quickly with the boy you wanted to take "slowly." Its unfortunate. Perhaps we should all adopt the philosophy that you only put out quickly with a boy you're not really interested in. That way, you get all of the bullshit out of the way. If its a problem, claim it went "too fast."

Getting drunk and moving too quickly doesn't mean you're slutty. It means you're wild and carefree. Boys love that. I think. Either way, play it cool.

I would give it the industry standard and wait a few days. No need to put the pressure on either one of you. It sounds like you're falling hard. He's probably falling hard too. No matter what he's feeling, he's trying to play it cool too.

Just wait a few (days, minutes, hours, whatever) and contact him--if he doesn't contact you first. Be casual and just ask "wanna hang out?" Keep it light.

Or just lurk him out on myspace and make a non-threatening friend request in a day or so.

He wanted to date you, he'll be reasonable with your request. If he's lame enough to use you only for that evening, at least you've learned he wasn't worth your time in less than week.



This all being said, if you're getting the itch and you really believe you're being dishonest by ceasing contact --go with your gut. What could go wrong?
Good luck!

Porno Perv

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