What's Love Got to do with it

Dear Carnal Counsel,

This is a conflict between myself (a male) and a group of females. I wanted clarification on what you believe is the difference between loving someone and being "in love" with someone. The girls I was with told me that men fall "in love" and "out of love" very quickly. They were accusing men of having issues with love and being in love. What is it then? What should "love" be?

Ok, lets all agree that finding people you love is the most important part of human interaction.

What I find is commonly people fall "in love" without accurately loving someone. This concept is difficult to pin down but lets break it down like this:

When you love someone, like your family or your closest friends, you know them inside and out. You do not ask them to change or have outrageous guidelines for them. If you do find yourself frustrated with their behavior, because you love them, you express "hey, you're not fulfilling your end of the bargain." This is how love works. You do not paint a facade or ignore obvious pitfalls these people have. You acknowledge them and love these pitfalls.

Unfortunately, most people enter relationships without this established. When they begin dating, there as major facades involved. The desire to be dating and in a relationship supercedes the acknowledgement of character. What eventually occurs is someone becoming frustrated. this person doesn't know what to give you and how. You don't express what really bothers you. Rather, you passive aggressively or plain aggressively attempt to get them to know what you want.

When the 'in love' sensation has begin to fade (which has been shown, in scientific tests about the chemicals released during your 'in love period,' to cease after five years) you begin to recognize you never loved this person in the first place.

When dating, date your datee as a friend. You can combine the passion and other fun stuff that is found in the "in love" sensation but recognize this is the time for you to become their friend, rather than their lover. To be someone's lover is much easier than to be their friend.

And if you find yourself clanking at times about what kind of friend this person is, or if you disagree with behavior or a variety of other things, analyze the friendship rather than the relationship. Are you treating them similiarly to your best friend? Are you alerting them of the actual problem rather than a false problem?

Men and women have struggle in the same ways when it comes to love/in love. They just deal with it separately.